My Return To The Ville
Leaving the familiar for the unknown is bittersweet. As a final chapter is penned, reflections on singular moments are distilled in the painful, inspiring, and cathartic crucible of nostalgia. Leaving somewhere familiar is not easy, but progress necessitates forward momentum to escape the gravity of complacency.
When I left Gainesville post-grad, I truly believed it was my last stint in the so called “Swamp.” True simplicity and utter bliss characterized those four glorious years. Then, when it was time to go, I wanted to accelerate into adulthood. I walked across the stage, embraced my family, went to the Weimer College of Journalism and Communications, walked the halls, took one last long exhale, and I was ready for the ‘real’ world.
Or so I thought.
I never thought I’d get the chance to return and become the Ghost of College Past, but with Rona ransacking our society, it was a viable option for my temporary stay.
When I told people I was going back, I was met with a mixed bag of jubilance and scoffs. Some were hyped to hear of my return, noting all the good times we had spent together, while others threw shade. “Aren’t you a little old to be going back?” I’m fucking 24 dawg, it ain’t that serious, plus I wasn’t going back just to dip back into the sauce; I was returning to rebuild my confidence, see firsthand how much I had grown since walking away, and to create Tough To Say.
People in my inner circle may have picked up on this through context clues, but my first run in New York was – to say the least – overwhelming. I’ve chronicled this throughout the pod and past articles, but to quickly rehash, it wasn’t the city that got to me (in fact, Manhattan was often my escape from the negativity) but rather, the situation I put myself in. My job was strenuous, most of my friends were elsewhere, my time was improperly divided: I was kind of a mess.
Rona went down, I spent 3 ½ magical months out in Connecticut with homies, then drove down to Tampa where I spent the summer. Each step of the way reminding myself how I got to New York in the first place. Returning to Gainesville was the next logical step. By resurrecting my past and walking in my old shoes, I would be able to smelt my armor once again before going back to New York. I had accomplished so much in Gainesville. I always felt comfortable there. I wanted to go back to hunker down in my own creative space while surrounding myself with fellow young people. You truly don’t get that in the real world. Immersion in youth culture would surely motivate me to think outside the box and stay productive.
In the midst of this last lap, I often found myself in familiar places, but with more knowledge than ever before. Whatever was lost to the past upon graduation, I gained in perspective. Back in Gainesville, I’d look at certain people and see myself in a parallel universe. I observed some folks who seized the moment, never took anything for granted, and understood the temporal limitations of four years. A subset of these people who left it all out on the field would surely struggle to transition to a more conventional, “normal” life beyond the glory days.
I discerned them through a scientific and introspective lens because at one point over the course of my undergraduate experience, I embodied many of the same attributes. I also knew that any advice or insight I offered would be eschewed because at that age, you yearn to mold your own opinions and often disregard the outstretched hand. Again, I knew this because I had done it myself. Seeing some of these individuals was like watching a flower grow knowing the beauty has just begun to sprout. While for others, I wondered if the lifestyle they’d grown accustomed to was sustainable at the next level.
I find myself more reflective than ever at the conclusion of this journey. Those tentpole moments I referenced took a whole different form. Instead of that darty or killer presentation in class, I thought of everything holistically, which meant I had to face some demons to balance the positive and negative. The yin and yang. I could trace my steps and note exact moments where I matured, whether it was breakthrough realizations about myself and my career, or reparation from heartbreak or anxiousness.
Here’s a lil snapshot of what I learned:
You can’t travel back in time, you can’t repeat the past, but it is absolutely okay to glance in the rearview mirror and reflect on “the good ol’ days”. We’re human, not sharks.
People make the place. I enjoyed my victory lap, but a once familiar house, bar, or outing becomes alien once the people you once knew and loved are gone.
A creative space is just that: a space. Your creativity can flourish anywhere you choose. You are your biggest and fiercest obstacle/bouncer to the door of creation.
When you prioritize yourself – mentally, physically, and spiritually – the rest of life has a funny way of working itself out. You’ll rarely find things special when you’re actively looking for them.
Ladies and Gentlemen: Don’t get too lost in the hunt. If you venture too deep into the safari, you’ll get lost, or worse, eaten alive. This applies to the job search, gym licks, significant others, and much more.
Fam: Watching your kids leave the nest can be a scary thing. It’s fair to think they are a representation of you, but at some point, they have to chart their own path and build their own reputation. I assume it’s incredibly challenging, but know they will always have your best interest in mind and hold the ultimate love. Birds of a feather stick together, but you gotta let the birds fly too.
General Pop of Newly Graduates: You’re not “old and irrelevant”. Bruh, we haven’t even scratched the surface of life. In fact, you’re in the driver’s seat. Ditch that mindset and instead adopt one of prestige. You graduated. Momma I “made it” as we say. That’s an incredible accomplishment. Now you get to do whatever it is you want to do while funding it all yourself. Our early 20s are the most magical times in our lives. It’s our prime. Capitalize on the moment and use today as a launchpad.
College is dope. No cap. It is an amazing place where kids rule the world like Jimmy Neutron did back in the day. It’s a time of experimentation, growth, fuckups, breakthroughs, and so much more. You meet tremendous and awful human beings. That’s the beauty of it. Returning to Gainesville isn’t something I dreamt of in my wildest dreams, but I was able to actualize that dream for one final moment. By the time this drops, I’ll have moved out for good and wound back up in Tampa as I look to track down a spot in NYC once again. My confidence in myself and my abilities has never been higher, and I attribute all of it to this fresh era.
Gainesville, you will always have a special place in my heart. The University of Florida is the mecca for self-discovery. I’ll be back, and it’ll be different, but I’ll never forget this time we spent.
